I had a terribly difficult shift the other night, and I just can't shake the sense of helplessness.
As many of you know, I work part-time at a Transition House (a shelter for women and their children fleeing abuse) and also work part-time on a provincial intitiative looking to identify and fill-in gaps in the mental health system for children and youth aged 0-24. I often feel good about this work because I can see the good that is done. Even though I am exposed to trauma in it's multiple forms in other people's lives every week, I see help being provided and I get to be part of it.
Despite all the good and having a sense of purpose, what consistently gets me down and makes me angry is that it never seems to be enough - I constantly see the failings of society and its systems and I have folks before me that are suffering because of those failings. They aren't just a faceless number in some horribly mean news article arguing that social assistance is a waste of money, or that a victim of abuse wasn't trustworthy...they're real people sitting right in front of me.
I've spent a good deal of my life advocating for system change, and I spent most of my educational career learning about the system hoping to pin point tangible spaces where change was possible. I dedicated energy and time to activist circles attacking these spaces and working towards a better world.
And then the G20 came to Toronto in 2010 and I was disallusioned with ideas of change and I was probably the most angry with the system that I had ever been. The community I was living in at the time banded together and did some really beautiful things in the lead-up to the G20 meetings. I didn't expect that taking to the streets during that time would end in any significant change, but I felt empowered and a part of something bigger than myself that would have a lasting impact, even if in some marginal way. But, on the last day of those meetings, people I love (including myself) were intimidated, harassed, beaten and arrested by the the powers that be. Following which, was a lengthy process of going to court and fighting feelings of isolation, powerlessness, fear and anger. It was a time of healing, but with the wounds reopened during each court appearance.
Then, I moved to Guatemala in 2011 and felt useful again working for an NGO building a school out of recycled materials. Don't get me wrong, there was trauma for me there too: coming to terms with being part of a new form of colonialism, being asked by locals to adopt their children in the hopes that I could provide a better life for them, witnessing devastating poverty and not being able to do much about it except accept that was the reality, and being a white volunteer coordinator responsible for educating international volunteers about a culture that wasn't my own and that I really had no right telling folks to accept my words as truth. Despite all that, I could see the benefits of the project that I was part of and I didn't feel like I was ramming my body against a giant wall that never saw any damage like I had in Canada. I was part of something that was real change and the results were tangible.
Finances got the better of me, and I was forced to return to Canada in 2012 and make a wage that could pay off my student loans. I spent over a year applying for do-gooder type jobs in Ontario and was loosing my sense of self as no one seemed to want to hire me - I was living with my parents in my late 20s and more often than not I was working temp jobs with little sense of security. That period of my life is well documented in this blog if you're interested in reading through my thoughts...I'm not going to rehash them here.
Now, just over a year of reentering a profession that I feel good about receiving money for, I am finding that I am yearning for system change in my core; it's always there, but I've been focusing on working within the system for awhile. But, being a part of micro expressions of assistance, while I know has a profound affect on individuals and families, is far from adequate. I'm constantly witnessing that the systems in place aren't working the way they're advertised, that those systems and the people who work within them are constantly congratulating themselves for all the good work that they do, but the people receiving such "benefits" are scrapping by and often barely surviving.
Sometimes, I just want to shake people and see if that does any good, but I know it won't. System change is huge and scary for most folks.
So, I'm at an impasse again. I've been here before, and I've always spiralled into disillusionment. I haven't quite figured out how to stay mentally healthy and I'm hoping this time I can work it out so that don't burn out: that compassion fatigue and helplessness are kept at bay.
I know that I should celebrate the victories and good that is achieved so that I don't get lost in the bad. But, I also know that I am allowed to have difficult feelings and for right now, I'm sad and angry and those are totally normal and healthy things to feel.
