Fostering 101

Fostering 101

It is my intention here to write about the fostering experience from a new foster parent’s perspective, from someone who does not have biological kids. My hope is to provide what I see as the three stages of the process from my limited experience: becoming a foster parent and being ready to accept a child (or children) into your home; having a child in your home; and letting that child go either to a different foster home, or be returned to the biological parent(s). I hope to be able to write this out in three separate blog posts, but it will take some time to get them all written and posted.

Please, know that for confidentiality issues any reference to a child here I have altered information and events. The sentiment behind the words is really what is important, anyhow.

Installment 1: Becoming a foster parent

Nation wide there is a shortage of foster parents, so they (yes, the ubiquitous “they”...that’ll come up often through these posts) are pretty desperate for new foster parents to come on board. You don’t have to be married or be in a heterosexual couple, you really just have to be over the age of 18 and clear a criminal records check. If you happen to be interested in becoming a foster parent, the best thing to do is go to an MCFD office and let them know that you’re looking for information about fostering. You’ll likely get an information package with a preliminary application (this is just the beginning of the paperwork required to foster). If (and when) you bring that back, they’ll get you in touch with the Resource Worker, who is the social worker for foster parents, and then you’ll get a longer application along with two criminal record checks (aka crim checks). Every adult living in the home needs to have a cleared criminal records check.

When the crim checks come back clear you (and your partner) are interviewed (your children too, if you have them). This is called a Home Study, which can take up to or longer that 40 hours to complete. They ask you all kinds of questions about your childhood, alcohol and drug use history, school and work history, sex life, relationships and connections in your community, hobbies, habits, interests, mental health and medical history, and other intimate questions. It’s invasive, it can be uncomfortable, but if you go in knowing that its intent is to ensure the safety of children, it’s much easier to swallow having a government agent sit on your couch, sipping tea you’ve given them, while jotting down words you’ve said about your sex life. Try to have fun with it, but also remember that your words are being documented. The ease of this process really depends on your resource worker and if you click with them or not. 

During the home study, your house is also inspected. You need a fire extinguisher (recently inspected) first aid kit, working and recently tested fire alarms, a locked medicine box that stores prescription and over the counter medication, and a place to lock up dangerous chemicals and cleaners. You also need proof of house insurance (whether renting or owning), your auto insurance needs to have a minimum of $3 million liability insurance (with a recommendation of $10M), and a fire plan for your home. Get used to this part of the home study as the resource worker comes into your home every 90 days to make sure things are up to snuff.

You also need a doctor to sign off on you being medical fit enough to care for a child. In BC they have a terrible form that the doctors hate to fill out – you actually have to have your head circumference measured, which has to be a legacy of some terribly racist policy or research, I’m sure. Moving forward though, there is also a Pre Service Orientation course that you attend. It is an 18 hour course that each foster parent must attend, preferably prior to having a child in your home. It is actually a very good course. I’m sure the instructor has something to do with it, but it’s packed with great information about trauma, childhood development, relevant legislation, responsibilities of the ministry, relationships with biological families, and other care-giving related information. We took this course after a child had been placed in our home, and it was extremely helpful after being able to come up with a list of questions to ask and areas where we could call bullshit on for what fostering is presented as and what we had experienced.

On the long foster parent application you tell them what kind of commitment your signing up for: respite or relief, short-term (less than one year); long-term (more than one year); and/or emergency. I can’t stress enough that you really think about this question long and hard, and have some thoughtful discussions with whoever also lives in your house. As I mentioned before, they are short foster homes and you will be pushed to have your home open for longer that you may have originally intended. It is important that you understand what your limitations are and be firm with those boundaries from the beginning. It is one of the most difficult things I can describe to have to say no to child in need, and it is that much worse when you’ve grown to love them. If you set firm boundaries with the Ministry, you’ll less likely be pushed into a place you didn’t want to be, and being pushed into that place will show in your ability to care for the child(ren), it will show up in your relationship with your partner, at work, or some combination of the three. Trust me, you don’t want to be pushed into that corner. Put some though into those little check boxes on your application and then stick to that decision.

The long application also asks you what age range you’re interested in. Children can come into foster care at birth, and they age out at 19. It’s your pick how old or young you want to welcome into your home. You also pick gender – I’ve met some foster parents that only have boys in their home, some only have girls, others have no preference. You also are asked what physical, mental, and developmental challenges you’re willing to bring into your home. This includes FASD, ADHD, aggression, depression, mobility challenges, bed wetting, etc. Additionally, you choose how many kids you're able to have in your home, I believe the maximum is 7, but you have to have extra training to be that type of foster home.

It was about eight months from the time that we put in the long application to the time we had a kid in our home, and we did not do the steps above in the preferred order. Because of the shortage of foster parents, there are some paperwork loopholes that the Ministry uses to place kids in homes for folks who haven’t completed all the above steps. Those loopholes were used for us.

I introduced this portion of the post as saying I’d explain about being ready to expect a child into your home. There are all of the above items, as well as the material items like a bed, dresser, side table, linens, towels, etc. that I would certainly recommend you have, but I don’t think any number of words can appropriately prepare any person for the experience for caring for another person’s child. If you’ve gone through everything I’ve listed and have a slight fear of what comes next, then I think you should give it a try. Though I do encourage anyone going through this to always try to remember that being a foster parent is about giving the biological parents the time and the space they need to get their lives sorted out so that they can adequately care and love their child(ren). It’s a hard thing to love a child and know that they will eventually leave you and that you could very well never hear nor see them again. But, that’s a selfish need that we have as humans. Being a foster parent, like I imagine any bio-parent know, isn’t about you; it’s about the child and nothing else really matters.

The next instalment will talk about what it’s like to have a child in your house.